


If I'd stayed, if you'd tried

by theshyauthor



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Christmas Presents, Dan and PJ are roommates, Heavy Angst, M/M, Not Happy, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-12 01:22:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9049513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theshyauthor/pseuds/theshyauthor
Summary: A blue heart-shaped Christmas ornament is all that’s left of Dan and Phil’s relationship. But that’s not enough for Dan anymore, so he tries to fix it.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Если бы я остался, eсли бы ты попытался](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14461821) by [unrea_liss_tic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/unrea_liss_tic/pseuds/unrea_liss_tic)



> Merry Christmas! This is a bit all over a place because I didn't have much time to write it, but the story idea popped into my head at the beginning of December when I listened to Kate Winslet's 'What if'. Hope you enjoy. :) x

PJ Liguori is the kind of person that Dan would usually admire from afar but not dare strike up a conversation with. He’s funny, he’s kind, he’s creative and most of all, he’s outgoing. That’s the last word Dan would ever describe himself with. He prefers solitude and spending his evenings watching movies or playing video games instead of socializing with others. PJ is the kind of person that would intimidate Dan because he seems so perfect.

(Dan very well knows that PJ is less than perfect though.) 

It’s just his luck that the curly-haired boy is his roommate for his first semester at university. He’s whiny and stays up too late working on his drawings or some of the other weird projects that he has going on but won’t tell Dan about. Dan doesn’t mind not knowing about them all that much, because one time he accidentally stumbled over one of PJ’s stop-motion videos including tentacles and scantily-clad women. He’s never asked about any of PJ’s projects ever since. PJ is one of those people that leave their stuff all over the place instead of putting them away, which would take mere seconds. When Dan first moved in four months ago, he could handle the fact that PJ’s side of the dorm room with simple beds and tables and two closets that were definitely too small to fit all of Dan’s stuff in them had looked like a war zone. But nowadays their entire room is a mess, and sometimes Dan wants to pick up one of PJ’s worn socks that are just all over the floor and stuff it into his mouth. He doesn’t dare touch them though. Who knows what kind of tiny creatures already nest in there. 

So PJ has his faults. He’s not the entirely perfect guy that Dan would have made him out to be had he not had the pleasure of rooming with him and his stinky feet. He’s still a person that Dan’s happy to have found in his life, the first friend he’s made at university, the one that actually helped him build up somewhat of a social life. 

He very much wants to smack him though when PJ decides that it’s a fun idea to hang a mistletoe over the entrance to their dorm room and insists on kissing everyone on the cheek that’s standing under it.

Heaving a sigh as he notices that the door is locked and that he’s again forgotten his keys, Dan knocks on the door to his dorm room and hopes that PJ’s home. He shifts the package in his arms because it’s heavy. Shortly after that he hears noises from the inside, PJ cursing, and then he takes a step back as the door opens. 

“I’m not standing under the mistletoe,“ he says as a way of greeting and waits for PJ to step back to let him inside the room. Once the door is closed behind them, PJ smacks a wet kiss on his left cheek anyway, because he’s terribly affectionate and pissed that Dan always manages to avoid them standing under the mistletoe together. If he didn’t know better, Dan would think that PJ was trying to flirt with him. But Dan knows better. PJ’s just that kind of person. 

“You’ve got a package,“ PJ exclaims excitedly as he plops down on his bed and grabs for his Nintendo again. 

“You’ve got working eyes,“ Dan retorts. “Good for you, congrats.“

“What’s in it?“

“Your mum.“

Dan ducks the moments the words are out and doesn’t straighten himself again until he hears the soft thumping sound of a pillow falling to the floor. He sticks his tongue out at PJ in victory. PJ likes throwing soft things at Dan whenever he says something stupid. He’s just that kind of person. 

Only then does Dan put the package on his cluttered desk (half of that stuff belongs to PJ) and takes a pair of scissors to open it up. 

“My mum said she’d send me some Christmas decorations from home,“ he explains as he unpacks a little Christmas tree and snowman figure. His heart seizes, however, when he grabs for a Christmas ornament shaped like a blue heart with the words ‘I love you‘ written on it in white. He’s immediately reminded of the evening he got it - the bustle of people on the Christmas market, the cold slicing into his cheeks, the smell of roasted almonds in the air. Phil’s hand holding his tightly and not letting go. The laughter they’ve shared under the twinkling lights. Although they had been surrounded by dozens of people, in that moment it had felt like they were the only ones in the world. 

“Dan?“ PJ’s worried voice pulls him out of his thoughts and Dan quickly shakes his head, willing the memories to disappear. 

“Sorry,“ he murmurs as he takes the blue ornament out of the box and lifts it up, watching sadly as the light in the room reflects on it, “it’s just that my ex boyfriend bought this one for me at a Christmas market last year.“ 

He opens the drawer of his desk and carefully places the ornament in there before closing it again. Now is not the time to think about Phil, who should be with him right now and not living in a university dorm up north, so far away from Dan. 

They’ve been dating for three years. Their mother’s always liked to call them high school sweethearts. They were the kind of couple that made other people long for a relationship just by watching them interact. For three years, Phil was Dan’s world - and then Dan had decided that this simple life up north with Phil wasn’t enough anymore. He moved to London for university after graduation, while Phil had decided to stay near home, wanting to be close to his family. Dan thought that it would work out just fine, that for a few years they’d just be in a long-distance relationship before moving in together - and then Phil had broken up with him, saying that a long-distance relationship was not what he wanted. 

It’s been months, but it still hurts. Phil was Dan’s first love. His first everything. He had been sure that they’d grow old together.

PJ, sensing Dan’s sadness, suggests they watch a movie. That’s how they end up watching Love Actually on Dan’s bed, because PJ’s has too much stuff on it to fit both of them comfortably (which isn’t to say that Dan’s bed fits them comfortably either, because they are both big and the beds at the dorm are ridiculously small). Dan knows that movie by heart, and even though he has seen it a thousand times by now, he still tears up. And when he watches as the author Jamie flies to Portugal to propose to Aurelia, this silly little idea starts forming in his head. But he couldn’t possibly - or could he? 

Dan doesn’t sleep much that night and listens to PJ snoring softly, and before the sun has risen he’s out of bed and packing a backpack to last him two or three days. 

(Dan often has stupid ideas. This one might be the most stupid of them all.)

“What are you doing?“ PJ’s words are slurred and heavy from sleep. He’s blinking at Dan tiredly.

“Go back to sleep,“ Dan tells him. When PJ wakes up again, there’ll be a letter explaining to him that Dan is on his way up north, that he’ll catch the next train that will bring him to Phil. And then Phil will change his mind and take him back, and they’ll be happy like Jamie and Aurelia in the movie. It’s not going to be quite as romantic, because Dan didn’t learn a new language for Phil and he didn’t plan on proposing either, but it was going to be pretty damn romantic anyway.

The air is cold and the blue sky is covered by gray clouds as Dan makes his way to the train station. Excitement bubbles up in his chest, the kind of excitement a child gets when thinking about Christmas. Dan hasn’t felt that feeling for so long. The train is heated and slowly his fingers get warm again, and then he leaves the station, leaves London to go back up north and really this is the most ridiculous thing Dan has ever done, but also he really thinks that it’s the best decision of his life. Minutes feel like hours but Dan passes them by listening to music and imagining Phil’s face when he spots him. Will he be frozen to the spot? Chase towards Dan and sweep him off his feet? Maybe even shed a tear? Phil never cries, but maybe this will get him to tear up. 

Only when Dan arrives at the train stop and gets off does he realizes that he’s come without a plan. He only knows that Phil lives in a dorm, but he has no clue where. Google maps helps him find the university Phil studies at, and from there he starts walking from dorm building to dorm building, asking at the information desk if a Philip Michael Lester lives there. He gets rejected three times, and one time he’s told that such information can’t be given out. But at the fifth dorm, he gets lucky. Phil lives here. Room number one hundred and twenty-three. And as far as the lovely woman at the information desk knows, he’s currently in his room. 

(The lovely woman at the information desk isn’t lovely at all. She looks pissed and talks to Dan in an unfriendly tone, but she’s the one that can tell him where Phil is and that makes her the nicest woman in the entire world to Dan right now.)

Phil lives on the second floor. The dorm building looks nice enough. It’s festively decorated and now again students walk by Dan and greet him. Dan thinks he would like it here. 

(He hopes that Phil likes it here.)

The door to Phil’s room is gray. It’s an ugly colour, just like all the other doors in this dorm building. 

(So maybe it’s not that pretty after all. Maybe it only looks pretty to Dan because he knows that Phil lives here.) 

He can hear noises from the inside. Muffled. Giggling. It looks like Phil has a visitor over. It can’t be his roommate because Dan knows that Phil lives on his own. 

He knocks on the door, hard. His knuckles hurt at the impact and his hands are slightly shaking in anticipation. 

“Just a second.“ That’s Phil’s voice, calling out to him, and Dan’s heart speeds up as he hears it. It’s been so long. He’s missed the other boy so much, missed getting lost in his blue eyes. 

The door opens quickly, but to Dan it still looks like it happens in slow-motion. 

“Ye-“ The word gets stuck in Phil’s throat and his eyes widen as he realizes who stands in front of him. The words Dan wants to say get stuck in his throat as well, and his eyes widen too. Phil stands in front of him with a bare chest and a towel wrapped around his hips. Behind him, Dan can see his bed. He can clearly see the blond man looking back at him lying there, chest naked, hair ruffled. 

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what’s going on. 

(It takes Dan a long time to figure out what’s going on.) 

“Oh,“ is all that Dan can press out, and then he runs. His feet move on their own accord, faster than they’ve ever done before. He can hear his name being called by that familiar voice, the one that he had longed to hear speak his name for so long. It hurts his ears now. 

People give him odd looks when he runs out of the building, and runs, and runs. 

He’s completely out of breath by the time he’s at the station. He’s sweating under his coat and jumper, and the backpack on his shoulders feels heavy. 

(If his heart was the blue heart-shaped Christmas ornament from the Christmas market, it would have shattered into pieces.)

The next train to London leaves in fifteen minutes. Dan buys a ticket. He didn’t buy a return ticket because he didn’t know how long he would stay. He really didn’t stay for long.

Why is he this surprised? Why does it hurt so much? Phil and him broke up months ago. Just because he’s not over Phil yet doesn’t mean that Phil is not over him yet either. They don’t date anymore. Phil’s free to do whatever he wants. 

(But fuck it hurts like someone shoved a sword into Dan’s chest.)

When the train starts moving out of the station, Dan realizes that life can’t be like a movie. 

PJ looks at him with concern when Dan comes back to their dorm room. He asks what happens, but Dan refuses to answer. Dan has left him a letter explaining that he’ll go find Phil and might be gone for a few days, and PJ’s smart enough to figure out what must have happened for Dan to return so soon. He appreciates how the curly-haired boy tries to distract him, but it doesn’t work. 

(PJ has his faults, but Dan has found a true friend in him.)

Christmas is coming closer with huge steps, but Dan is miserable. 

When he comes home to his family a few days before Christmas, he refuses to leave the house again. Phil and him live close to each other, it wouldn’t take much for them to run into each other. The last person on earth that Dan wants to see right now is Phil. He wants to see no one, but it would make his mother sad if he came home for the holidays just to hide in his room. So he eats cookies and forces himself to smile and have conversations with his family. The only comfort Dan finds is when the family dog sleeps in his bed at night. 

Christmas passes by with foods and family, too much of both. On the 28th, the postman rings with a package in his hands. 

It’s small.

It’s wrapped like a present.

It’s addressed to Dan. 

His mother looks at it curiously. Dan doesn’t know who it’s from and he doesn’t want to open it in front of his family, so he takes it upstairs to his room. He opens the package with a pair of scissors, and finds a black box in it. Taking the lid from it, his heart stutters in his chest as he sees what’s in it. 

A blue heart-shaped Christmas ornament. With white letters, the words 'I miss you‘ are written on it.


End file.
